Becoming Your Authentic Self
by Vivian Hankin, Ph.D., MFT
(Originally published as "Stop Overeating" in Open Exchange Magazine)
Becoming your Authentic Self is the ultimate goal of therapy. Perhaps it is also
the ultimate goal of life. Being authentic allows us to fully embrace our positive
qualities and experience ourselves and have others experience us as loving,
empathic, spiritual people who are fully worthy of accepting ourselves in these
ways of Self-love and of being authentically loved.
We learn from of childhood how to think about ourselves and this thinking is
based on the way others have interacted with and responded to us. Many of us
were taught and still believe such statements we heard repeatedly through the
years as, "You never do anything right," "You're lazy," "You're just plain
stupid" "You'll never amount to anything," "It's always your fault," and many
more. These messages can come from parents, relatives, teachers, and many
others who affect our lives as we grow up. If, for instance, a parent tells a little
girl repeatedly that she is "selfish" when she asks for what she wants - either
emotionally or in other ways -then that child may grow into adulthood perceiving selfishness as a part of her
identity and Self image.
As a child, when a sense of her Self was developing, she could not make distinctions between what she was told by
others as opposed to her own yet unformed sense of what she really was like because her sense of Self was just
developing. She believed what she was told. Barbara, 32, divorced, from Minneapolis believed she was selfish and
it was her fault she didn't have good relationships. Growing up her parents had left her alone most of the time.
When they were with her, they paid little attention to her. When she was ill as a child, she was told what a problem
she was causing them. She often was left alone ill at home.
As a teenager on a date with a new boyfriend after a disagreement in the car going home, he opened the door of the
car and pushed her out and drove away. It was raining and cold and she found herself in a very bad neighborhood
with only change for a phone call. She did the normal thing and called her father. He said it was her fault it
happened to her, that he wasn't going out into the rain just to pick her up and she was selfish to ask him so she could
figure out how to get home herself.
Later in college she found herself with a dangerous illness and wanted to return
home. Her parents refused. During school break she called her parents to ask if she could come home. They had
plans and said she should stay in the dorm.
From years of such experiences she learned that any of her basic needs were unacceptable and she was being
"selfish" and uncaring of others if she should mention them. As an adult on her own she established relationships
with people but would often pick friends who would ignore her wishes and who would instead be self-centered and
resentful of her needs. She could then point out, "See, it's because I'm wanting too much for myself - that's the
problem and why I can't keep a boyfriend or a close woman friend." Through therapy she came to believe that she
had deserved attention, consideration, protection and love from her parents. She was able to discard the inauthentic
beliefs and embrace her positive qualities. She could express her wishes and desires.
By making these dramatic changes, she chose to be close to people who would treat her respectfully and lovingly.
She had claimed her Authentic Self.
