A Berkeley, CA Couples Therapist Reveals: 3 Reasons Couples Seek Counseling

by Vivian Hankin, Ph.D., MFT

1) COMMUNICATING AND HOW TO ARGUE: (Dan & Sarah)

"He's always telling me what to do!" Sarah said defiantly. "I'm really sick of it." Dan heaved a sigh and mumbled, "She just can't make up her mind, someone has to." Before he could finish, Sarah interrupted and said, "Oh, no you don't. You don't want to listen to me. You even tell me what to do when I'm upset about something." Dan said, "Well, there's something else while we're talking about these things. At times I have a lot of knowledge in some areas that you don't have. But then you don't want to rely on my judgment."

I said, "So far you've mentioned two different kinds of interactions resulting in arguments: One is about Dan's wanting to make quick decisions and feeling not respected for his knowledge while Sarah feels left out. The other is about Sarah's feelings of wanting a different reaction from Dan when she is upset."

I asked each in turn to give an example while the other just listened without any comment. Then the listener would summarized what had just been said. That allowed the one speaking to feel both listened to and understood. It also allowed the listener to focus on what's being said instead of defensively tuning the other person out.

Dan admitted he felt hurt that Sarah did not give him credit for what he knew and could contribute to the relationship. Sarah said, "I didn't realize you felt this before. I'm glad you told me. I really do admire how much you know about so many things. But even if you do know, I'd still like you to ask what my ideas are."

I pointed out, "Some current emotions also evoke similar emotions from childhood. Until recognized, they can carry great power to confuse and turn a discussion into an argument."

Dan had been influenced by his father, who believed that men should make the decisions in the family except for the socializing and household decisions. His mother protested at times but gave in. Sarah said, "My mother worked at a job outside the home as well as taking on most household responsibilities, and I was aware while growing up that it didn't seem fair." Dan and Sarah agreed that each could make decisions on personal matters, such as clothing and even cars, but on matters concerning them both, they would have equal input.

We turned to Sarah's not wanting Dan to tell her how to handle a situation when she's upset about something. I said, "This is one of the most prevalent problems in working with couples," and asked Sarah to explain to Dan how she feels about it. She said, "You know, all I really want is for you to put your arms around me and tell me you're sorry I'm ha"ing a bad time. I don't want you to tell me how to handle the situation.' Dan was amazed that was all she wanted. He said, "If you're upset, I want to help you." Sarah replied, "What I'm asking for is the way it really will help me." I asked Dan if he could just try to do what Sarah asks and he grinned and said, "Sure, now that I know what makes her feel good and that she doesn't need my input but only my arms, I'll be glad to." and they both laughed.

2) MONEY (Greg and Laurie)

Of all the categories of problems in relationships (and individual work), perhaps the most common is money in that it carries with it many continuing but non-connected memories and influences from childhood. It's tricky in working these things out because money is indeed a very serious and practical problem in and of itself. Those practical parts can be so influential in one's life that any underlying emotions about money are usually not recognized.

So, in addition to its practical problems for people, money can carry with it such things as having felt not given to as a child and therefore substituting spending money in a desperate attempt to take the place of and fill an empty place inside. In contrast, the same kind of childhood problem could leave a person feeling non-deserving of money or what money can provide. There are various scenarios of this kind that attach themselves to arguments about money.

"She just insists on keeping the books and doling out a certain amount of money. I admit she's better at handling the bank account and budgeting, but I feel as if she treats me like a child and doesn't include me in how we'll spend the money," Greg said. Laurie replied, "Well, if I don't keep a strong hand on this, you would just go out and spend all the money each payday on whatever you fancy without a thought to paying our basic bills." Greg asked, "When have I ever done that? You're just coming up with excuses to keep an iron fist on our check book." Laurie said, "Well, what about that time we agreed you would have your own credit card with a $1,000 limit and you went out the first day and spent the whole thing. I just can't trust you."

As we discussed this Laurie said, "When I was growing up my father lost many jobs and we moved often. I grew up scared my parents wouldn't have enough money to pay the bills or buy groceries. I was always afraid of being in that position myself."

Those fears were what made her feel safe when she took control of the finances and both were surprised when she connected this to their own issues over money. We were able to work things out using this new information, allowing them to discuss her fears of insecurity and the real source of her feeling a need to control.

Greg spoke of his childhood experiences with money, saying,"I come from a fairly wealthy family but my father doled out small restrictive allowances and he shamed and punished me for spending it too quickly. I knew it wasn't enough to cover my needs." Greg was subjected to his father's using money as a way to express his need to control. He continued, "Now I can see why I feel that when she's taking care of the finances it's as if she's like my father and also why I want to spend money as soon as I have some."

Money is often an issue between the spouses in some way involving situations in each person's background. Listening to the others' concern and hearing about the childhood experiences is helpful in resolving these money issues.

3) INTIMACY, AND SEX: (Ron and Darly)

"He just walks up behind me and I don't even know he's there and then he puts his arms around my chest from behind. It always scares me and really upsets me," Darly said. Ron replied, "Well, I'm just trying to be affectionate. What's wrong with that?" She said, "You don't have to sneak up on me like that, and anyway what I really don't like is how you always touch me in places that have to do with sex." Ron said, "You complain I'm not intimate with you enough. I just can't win!"

This is a situation that varies in the ways it's played out but is very common with men and women. Surprisingly enough, our work involves defining 'intimacy' and 'sex'. Some studies have found that men quite often feel that sexual touching as well as sex itself is how they receive love directly from their spouse. Women differ often, feeling they are two separate needs but are combined during sex. Women (and some men) want, at times, just holding hands, touching a shoulder, hugging, caressing without touching any sexual areas. They feel strongly a need for this kind of separate intimacy. It is how women feel loved. Our work in counseling is to have each see the others' needs and agree as to how they would like to work out the details of giving love and sex to each other in ways that are gratifying to each.

There are many other problems often presented during counseling between couples. Some include infidelity; serious illness within the family; shared responsibilities; and can we save this marriage' Others are where one partner is passive and uncommunicative while the other continually implores for input; another is how to interact with each others' families or friends; and another is where one spouse has many outside interests separate from the relationship leaving little time to be together.

But, regardless of the issues, it is always a wonderful experience to see the changes a couple can make when they truly care about each other and their relationship.